Hell Cries at Night

Do you ever lay in bed at night in the silence of the darkness and tears stream out of your closed eyelids and trickle down your cheek? Then your nose starts running a little and you sniffle..and your husband asks, "What's wrong?" and you saying quietly.."Nothing" But in your mind and heart you are sobbing..because your mind is racing with 'what ifs'.. the 'what ifs' that would get you totally cut off from the people you love if you were to speak these 'what ifs' out loud.

Do you live in frustration that you can't express how you really feel or what you truly believe or even over the things you question...about your religion. Will my friends shut me off if they knew I questioned a doctrine, or the reality of who the pastor really is when I saw him...do something when no one else saw? What if they don't believe me? What if he denies it and calls me liar?

Since I already believe in Jesus and that He reconciled us to Father, then why does it matter if I question many of these other traditional teachings? (whispering) I know... I know why... people are generally afraid..but I discovered that many of them feel the same way. And we live in fear of being judged and labeled as 'rebellious' but we aren't...we just have questions. Questions that scream out of our heads late at night as we lay there trying to sound like we're sleeping..because what if our spouse is like they are...what if he gets mad that we question things? So the tears flow out of my closed eyelids and stream down my cheeks...and all I can do is ask Him.."God? WHO are you?"

And I quietly sob deep deep down and my throat feels like it's swelling shut as my heart feels like it's being ripped in half as I want to scream out "Do you really hate my daddy and is he REALLY in a torment for ever and ever?" and the tears flow so fast that I feel like Alice drowning in my own tears and in my mind I scream at Him with desperation in my soul..."WHO ARE YOU?!" and my body shakes as I try to keep my sobs muffled in bed..late at night as I think of my daddy...and Father gently asks me.."Who do YOU say that I am?" and I cry out through sobs.."YOU ARE AGAPE!"

And He says.."Then look for Agape" and I sob again... imagining my daddy screaming and crying forever and ever because someone told him lies about God and he rejected the 'God' that was introduced to him. Father caresses my soul and says, "Do you think I failed to reach your daddy?"

I catch my breath and try to breathe slowly as I listen to Him... and I muster up the courage to reply, "no, my Lord.. you never fail." and He says, "Agape never fails". I then cry out, "I love you God..." and I sob uncontrollably as I 'see' my daddy seated in the heavenly places, just like I am. And Father reminds me of His greatness..He is so powerful that He can reach His creation with His love and His love is so amazingly powerful, who can stand up in the face of such love? 

And He gently brings to my awareness..that not everyone truly believes in His greatness anymore. He shares with me that so many people who say they believe, actually believe the adversary's power is just about equal to His....that people think God fails to save billions of His own creation. But I know my God is much bigger than humans imagine He is. And tonight I rest my head, knowing who God is to me. And understanding that I will lose many friends when they find out how I feel. I don't have all the answers to the questions, but I know there are enough verses and whole passages in the Bible to give me Hope. I'd rather hope and believe that God is much bigger than humans think He is, than to believe He is less than, God never fails.

{1 Corinthians 15:22} "As in Adam ALL die, so In Christ shall ALL be made alive."

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{ EdenFire } at: October 10, 2010 at 1:35 AM said...


Anonymous at: October 10, 2010 at 12:04 PM said...

Solo with you sister! Amazing post.

Anonymous at: October 10, 2010 at 7:28 PM said...

the way is narrow and difficult.

Right there with ya.

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